The blockage in my authenticity

It is difficult to be honest and authentic. 

Where are the lines in honesty?  When is it not okay to name names and speak the truth about a relationship you are struggling with? 

The internet and blogosphere is like the windows to a home lit up at night with no curtains drawn.  My mom and I would take walks around our neighborhood at night when I lived at home.  One of my favorite parts of walking in the evening is taking a quick look into these lit up windows.  Where did they put their sofa?  Look how nicely their kitchen is decorated.  Etc, etc.  Creepy?  Sure, but only for the five seconds it takes to walk past the house.  I promise I don't linger any longer than that.... Unless I am in desperate need of decorating advice. 

Just kidding.

Back to the point.  How can I knowingly open the curtains on my life, allowing perhaps perfect strangers a chance to see into my heart and mind, and not cover up the mess, but be genuine?  Because I could very well clean up my front room.  Make everything look lovely and picture-perfect.  One room isn't too difficult to keep clean.  Unless you have toddlers (a.k.a. tornadoes of destruction) and then you're screwed.  On the other hand, I could put all my dirty laundry on display in my front room too.  Every awful mess and hard moment put up for everyone to see. 

I often get frustrated when I read blogs.  While it's wonderful to get a glimpse into someone's life, see their beautiful homes and fantastic children and wonderful meals they cook, it's too easy to take the small representation I'm seeing and apply it to the whole.  Because what blogger in their right mind is going to write about the argument they had with their spouse this morning?  Or the terrible things they're thinking about their in-laws?  Or take pictures of the giant mess the house is after a day of baby-wrangling? 

I find the line between being authentic and putting my best foot forward to be difficult to draw.  Because being authentic is more than just telling the truth and nothing but the truth.  Protection of family and children is important, after all.  But putting my best foot forward can so easily turn into an idyllic front that offers no insight into the reality of my situation. 

What it gets down to is this:  How can I share my thoughts and feelings about my life and not do damage to the people involved?  Because every time I sit down to write something here I feel like such a liar. 

...

When I was in college I had a professor that assigned us two-page essays to write about a topic of our choice.  This turned out to be much more difficult than it sounded, simply because being concise is a skill, and one that I don't practice much, obviously.

It just made me think: maybe the answer is in being concise.  Can I share, but share in such a way that gets to the point without the fluff?  That should be a blogging goal for sure.  Because who wants to read all these long existential rants anyway?

So, to end it all, here are three concise statements that are meant to share exactly how I've been feeling this week.

1 >> I know now just how much comparison steals contentment. (More on this at a later date.  <Sigh> So much for being concise.)

2 >> After four days of extremely early bedtimes and wake-up calls for my husband, I must say I am amazed at the fortitude and courage of single parents.

3 >> I will continue believing that His grace is sufficient for me in the hopes that this will allow me to stop indulging in an extremely petty rivalry.  Good luck to me! 

Truth from the chiropractor's office.

Easter Thankfulness

What a great day this has turned out to be.  And that's saying something because this morning was incredibly difficult. 

Wake up call an hour later than I had hoped, Violet melting down for reasons unknown, yet totally heartbreaking (I think she's cutting molars.  Ouch. Does teething make your house a den of tears too?), no breakfast to be had and a general bad attitude....

Mix it all together and you get grumpy ol' me riding to church while putting on my makeup and thinking about all the things that went wrong.  Which is funny because now that I write them down I keep thinking, "It wasn't that bad."

Easter is supposed to be a celebration, a day of joy and hope.  It's amazing what a bad attitude can do to squelch the celebration. 

Thank goodness for my Sunday school class.  Those women are so encouraging. Following in the same vein of the morning, my mom and I--who usually share teaching responsibilities--had totally miscommunicated about who was teaching today and as a result neither of us were prepared.  So isn't it wonderful that God's plans can't be thwarted even when mine fall apart so easily?  We read in 2 Corinthians and discussed how we are victorious because of Jesus.  I can't believe he lets us ride into his Kingdom on his coattails!  Thinking about heaven, the eventuality of being there worshiping God, and my own inability to have done anything to merit such love and care....I can't describe it well, but my whole mental state shifted. 

So what have I learned?  The cure for a bad attitude is gratitude.  Turns things around pretty quickly.  And it rhymes too, which ain't half bad. 

The Slow Life

I love this picture.  It is an excellent representation of how I've been spending my days lately.  I sit in the living room, more often than not nursing Lucy, while Violet runs circles around us.  There's a quietness and slowness to this time that is remarkable.  It is both peaceful and, at times, excruciatingly boring. The trick is learning not to let the boredom bother me.

Before I had kids, and even after I had Violet, we were usually out and about on the town.  Life was busy, and seemed like it would only get busier.  There was so much to do!  But it didn't feel crazy busy.  I felt rested.  I got full nights of sleep for years at a time!

This season is different, of course.  I don't sleep as long as I used to.  Going to bed and waking up are entirely dependent on my two alarm clocks and their hungry bellies.  My day is structured around their needs, which can mean long periods of doing absolutely nothing.

I've struggled with this, because I don't like to be bored.  I feel I should be doing something--being resourceful.  My house ought to be clean at least, right?  Maybe I should take up some kind of craft or hobby.

Is boredom a good thing or bad?  Probably, like a lot of things, it's neither.  Is it a sign that either I have been too busy and now I can't handle moments of quiet, or that I am not engaged enough and should sit up and pay attention or buy a skein of yarn?  I have no answers to these questions.

Here is Violet after she snatched her Grandma's phone and made a break for it. Why do kids delight in being naughty?  I guess I could supplement that question by asking, why do I delight in being naughty....  It's a twisted heart thing.  Blaine always remarks about kids, "They're so human!"  And it's true.  They're humanity before it has a chance to pretty itself up with makeup, clothes and good intentions.

And here is Lucy taking a micro-nap.  This kid will sleep all night long in her crib with no problems, but as soon as I put her in it during the day she wakes up immediately.  What's up with that?  It's driving me nuts.  I remember obsessing over Violet's sleeping.  It worried me sick and now I'm backlashing against myself and not worrying at all.  If you're tired, my dear Lucy, then sleep.  I wish I knew what I was doing.  But really, after two babies, I'm still just making this up as I go along.  Intentionality is playing a larger role as the days tick past, but it's going to be a long road there.

Because I'm a mess!  Can't deny it. 

Do you think boredom is a gift or a curse?  Tell me what you do when you've got time to spare.  :)

Currently

This blog thing is really working out my thinking muscles.  Not that you could tell by the absolute lack of posts that are being written.  But I assure you, ideas have come into my head, taken life, been fleshed out, and then forgotten quickly as I clear the living room of toys while V follows behind me and dismantles all my fine work in seconds. 

I'm fairly certain I need a system, a rhythm if you will, to getting these ideas and thoughts out of my head and onto a blog post.  Any ideas, tips or tricks of the trade?  I'd be glad to hear them.

Here's a list of what I'm currently doing:

Currently Reading: I just finished reading "Desperate : Hope For the Mom Who Needs to Breathe" by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. It has been absolutely life changing and so encouraging in my journey through motherhood thus far. There are some really incredible morsels of truth, advice, encouragement, and even a few needed rebukes. All SO good! I’m looking for a new book to read, though. Any suggestions? Please comment below and let me know. :)
Currently Listening: Us and Our Daughters. Any LaRue fans out there? Yeah, I mean LaRue from the late 90’s-early 2000’s…. Well, Philip LaRue had a good solo career and I enjoyed his album Let The Road Pave Itself. Now he and his wife are a sweet, folk singing duo and have formed their own band, Us and Our Daughters. I just got their latest album and have been enjoying it. It’s a nice, fresh mix to my normal music repertoire.
Currently Eating: Homemade pancakes. We love pancakes but especially love them for dinner. They are SO EASY to make from scratch, plus healthier and more cost effective. We’ve been liking this recipe lately (I use sunflower oil instead of vegetable oil…. you can’t even taste the difference).
Currently Creating: Happy Birthday banners and streamers! Brandon’s birthday was yesterday and I surprised him with a decorated house for his birthday, along with homemade biscuits and gravy for breakfast. Who doesn’t love a festive home for their birthday alongside a hearty breakfast?! :)
Currently Doing: Researching how to repel mosquitos naturally. The mosquitos have been really bad this rainy season and I have been bit over 400 times. Yes I really did say FOUR-HUNDRED, with scars too prove it. Ugh! Praise Jesus though: I have shown no signs of malaria despite the attack (literally) on my body. SO thankful for His protection!
Currently Dreaming: Landscaping our backyard and putting in a fire pit. There are some really beautiful flowers here in Tanzania. I’m really wanting to line our back lawn with THESE beautiful, tropical flowers to create a more established border between our grass and our shamba (farm). The summers here are gorgeous and our organization has a lot of teams and interns coming from May-August. I really want to create a beautiful space for everyone to enjoy in the cool of the evenings while we play football (soccer), roast marshmallows, and enjoy our new corn hole game (I surprised Brandon with it for his birthday!).
Currently Loving: When I ask Promise who her best friend is. Without skipping a beat she says “Diddy”and “Dodger” (her buddy Gideon and our dog Dodger). Oh my goodness! This girl is as sweet as sugar.
Currently Learning: Ways to meal plan better. One of the stretching things about living in Tanzania is that in order to make good meals for my family, I have to be very intentional about planning. I can’t just run to the store and buy something to throw in the microwave, or something that can just be put in the oven and ready within 20 minutes. It’s a challenge but I’m starting to get used it…sorta. Any ideas or recommendations? I would love to hear them!!
- See more at: http://becomingm.com/#sthash.5JNrkA2S.dpuf

Currently Reading Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp.  I've been 'currently' reading this book for over a year now.  I don't have enough words to describe how profoundly the first few chapters changed my perspective on how I train, disciple and discipline my kids.  To learn how to be a parent who slows down and opens up lines of communication in order to understand the heart tones of her children is quickly becoming my biggest goal. 

Currently Listening Foster the People Supermodel.  Blaine keeps playing this in the car while we're shuttling around and I can never remember who it is and always ask, "Who is this?  I LOVE this!" It's Foster the People.  And I confess my love for them.

Currently Eating Oatmeal has been my breakfast every morning for a week.  I'm usually an eggs and toast kind of girl, but I had a drop in my milk supply when Lucy started sleeping long stretches at night.  Oatmeal has been helping quite a bit, for which I'm thankful. 

Currently Creating My mom and I have hatched an excellent plan to create some flower beds in the front yard of our house.  We planted a tree last weekend, and hopefully soon there will be daylillies, daisies and dusty miller lining the house and looking beautiful.  Our house has looked sad and neglected for a long time.  I'm excited to begin turning it into something warm and inviting.

Currently Doing Walking, walking, walking to the park, park, park.  I see a lot of this in my future.  But thankfully, a college friend of mine recently moved into town and, joy of all joys, she has TWO beautiful children just like me!  We have been spending a lot of time together since she moved and I am so thankful to God for this sweet friendship in my life that came right when I was feeling lonely and in need of community and adult companionship.  We've decided we will walk to the park near my house two to three times a week.  Walking is also my plan to regain some kind of physical fitness in this ol' childbearing body of mine.  Two kids in two years does not do nice things to a body, but I've been feeling particularly motivated to be healthy and in shape for the child raising years and beyond.

Currently Dreaming I get so nervous about being hospitable and having people over to our house.  But there have been several new young couples that have been coming to my church and I've felt this insane push to have them all over.  Even though we have a small house with limited seating, even though our backyard is scary and filled with things that might injure small children, even though I'm not sure I would be able to get my house cleaned up in any way before they came, and even though the thought terrifies me.  But the fact is, God gave us this house as a gift.  And even if it isn't big and beautiful and clean all time, it is still a place to invite others to live life with us and I need to be faithful.  Being faithful is so uncomfortable sometimes.  So this isn't a pleasant dream for me, but I want to invite them all over to share a meal of hot dogs and hamburgers and maybe we'll turn on the sprinklers and let our kids run around (because dear goodness it is HOT here already).

Currently Loving Violet.  I am so in love with this little kid.  I went through post partum depression after her birth, and never felt very bonded to her in her first months.  But staying home has been the perfect cure for that.  She delights me with her wry sense of humor and naughty little cherub face. 

Currently Learning We are so, so broke.  God's call on me to leave work and stay at home with my children has financially been a huge sacrifice for us.  Blaine works hourly, and while the summer pay is good, the winter pay can be dicey.  Last month was a lesson in stretching our dollars and humbly and graciously accepting loving help from our family and friends.

Currently Reading: I just finished reading "Desperate : Hope For the Mom Who Needs to Breathe" by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. It has been absolutely life changing and so encouraging in my journey through motherhood thus far. There are some really incredible morsels of truth, advice, encouragement, and even a few needed rebukes. All SO good! I’m looking for a new book to read, though. Any suggestions? Please comment below and let me know. :)
Currently Listening: Us and Our Daughters. Any LaRue fans out there? Yeah, I mean LaRue from the late 90’s-early 2000’s…. Well, Philip LaRue had a good solo career and I enjoyed his album Let The Road Pave Itself. Now he and his wife are a sweet, folk singing duo and have formed their own band, Us and Our Daughters. I just got their latest album and have been enjoying it. It’s a nice, fresh mix to my normal music repertoire.
Currently Eating: Homemade pancakes. We love pancakes but especially love them for dinner. They are SO EASY to make from scratch, plus healthier and more cost effective. We’ve been liking this recipe lately (I use sunflower oil instead of vegetable oil…. you can’t even taste the difference).
Currently Creating: Happy Birthday banners and streamers! Brandon’s birthday was yesterday and I surprised him with a decorated house for his birthday, along with homemade biscuits and gravy for breakfast. Who doesn’t love a festive home for their birthday alongside a hearty breakfast?! :)
Currently Doing: Researching how to repel mosquitos naturally. The mosquitos have been really bad this rainy season and I have been bit over 400 times. Yes I really did say FOUR-HUNDRED, with scars too prove it. Ugh! Praise Jesus though: I have shown no signs of malaria despite the attack (literally) on my body. SO thankful for His protection!
Currently Dreaming: Landscaping our backyard and putting in a fire pit. There are some really beautiful flowers here in Tanzania. I’m really wanting to line our back lawn with THESE beautiful, tropical flowers to create a more established border between our grass and our shamba (farm). The summers here are gorgeous and our organization has a lot of teams and interns coming from May-August. I really want to create a beautiful space for everyone to enjoy in the cool of the evenings while we play football (soccer), roast marshmallows, and enjoy our new corn hole game (I surprised Brandon with it for his birthday!).
Currently Loving: When I ask Promise who her best friend is. Without skipping a beat she says “Diddy”and “Dodger” (her buddy Gideon and our dog Dodger). Oh my goodness! This girl is as sweet as sugar.
Currently Learning: Ways to meal plan better. One of the stretching things about living in Tanzania is that in order to make good meals for my family, I have to be very intentional about planning. I can’t just run to the store and buy something to throw in the microwave, or something that can just be put in the oven and ready within 20 minutes. It’s a challenge but I’m starting to get used it…sorta. Any ideas or recommendations? I would love to hear them!!
- See more at: http://becomingm.com/#sthash.5JNrkA2S.dpuf

Currently Reading: I just finished reading "Desperate : Hope For the Mom Who Needs to Breathe" by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. It has been absolutely life changing and so encouraging in my journey through motherhood thus far. There are some really incredible morsels of truth, advice, encouragement, and even a few needed rebukes. All SO good! I’m looking for a new book to read, though. Any suggestions? Please comment below and let me know. :)
Currently Listening: Us and Our Daughters. Any LaRue fans out there? Yeah, I mean LaRue from the late 90’s-early 2000’s…. Well, Philip LaRue had a good solo career and I enjoyed his album Let The Road Pave Itself. Now he and his wife are a sweet, folk singing duo and have formed their own band, Us and Our Daughters. I just got their latest album and have been enjoying it. It’s a nice, fresh mix to my normal music repertoire.
Currently Eating: Homemade pancakes. We love pancakes but especially love them for dinner. They are SO EASY to make from scratch, plus healthier and more cost effective. We’ve been liking this recipe lately (I use sunflower oil instead of vegetable oil…. you can’t even taste the difference).
Currently Creating: Happy Birthday banners and streamers! Brandon’s birthday was yesterday and I surprised him with a decorated house for his birthday, along with homemade biscuits and gravy for breakfast. Who doesn’t love a festive home for their birthday alongside a hearty breakfast?! :)
Currently Doing: Researching how to repel mosquitos naturally. The mosquitos have been really bad this rainy season and I have been bit over 400 times. Yes I really did say FOUR-HUNDRED, with scars too prove it. Ugh! Praise Jesus though: I have shown no signs of malaria despite the attack (literally) on my body. SO thankful for His protection!
Currently Dreaming: Landscaping our backyard and putting in a fire pit. There are some really beautiful flowers here in Tanzania. I’m really wanting to line our back lawn with THESE beautiful, tropical flowers to create a more established border between our grass and our shamba (farm). The summers here are gorgeous and our organization has a lot of teams and interns coming from May-August. I really want to create a beautiful space for everyone to enjoy in the cool of the evenings while we play football (soccer), roast marshmallows, and enjoy our new corn hole game (I surprised Brandon with it for his birthday!).
Currently Loving: When I ask Promise who her best friend is. Without skipping a beat she says “Diddy”and “Dodger” (her buddy Gideon and our dog Dodger). Oh my goodness! This girl is as sweet as sugar.
Currently Learning: Ways to meal plan better. One of the stretching things about living in Tanzania is that in order to make good meals for my family, I have to be very intentional about planning. I can’t just run to the store and buy something to throw in the microwave, or something that can just be put in the oven and ready within 20 minutes. It’s a challenge but I’m starting to get used it…sorta. Any ideas or recommendations? I would love to hear them!!
- See more at: http://becomingm.com/#sthash.5JNrkA2S.dpuf