I have so many friends that are having babies recently. It's a squish extravaganza around here!
I recently had a first time mama over to my house for a few hours the other day. Her baby is almost two weeks old and such a doll! It was so nice to sit and talk to her about her first two weeks. And boy, did she have a ton of questions for me! I was so honored to be asked for my experience and advice.
I remember my first few months with Violet vividly. I did not cope well with the adjustment to motherhood. Lack of sleep and a colicky baby turned me into a depressed, hollow shell of myself. Goodness I just needed someone to talk to! Someone to tell me that not feeling exquisite love for my child in the first few months does not mean I'm a terrible mother. Someone to give me permission to follow my instincts. Someone to stroke my hair and hold my hand while I cried for absolutely no reason (hormones, ugh!).
After she left I couldn't help but think about all the lessons I've learned now that I'm on my second baby. Life is way easier now, mainly because I've let go of a lot of my hang-ups and guilt. Here are a few of the things I've come to understand:
1 >> In many cases your instinct will serve you better than your research. I am a research person. I can read a ridiculous amount of articles and books about a topic that interests me. I think this can be a good trait in a lot ways, since being well-informed has many benefits. But as Violet grew older I noticed myself becoming overwhelmed with all the competing information I had read. There are so many opinions on sleeping, eating, disciplining, playing, etc, etc! And they are all so different! I don't remember exactly when it happened, but when Violet was about 6 months old I decided that I was going to start trusting myself to make decisions and believe that they were the right ones. I was going to stop doubting myself at every turn. I was going to go with my instincts. I have not looked back from that. I will always do more research, but I am giving myself permission to throw out what doesn't seem right and keep the good, the Biblical, and the life-affirming.
2 >> Be gentle with yourself. My sister gave me this piece of advice about losing baby weight, but I've since applied it to just about every parenting conundrum I've come across. Whenever I'm feeling guilty about something or upset that a plan didn't turn out the way I wanted, I always remind myself to be gentle with myself. I don't have to have everything figured out. I don't have to have my life together. My children and I don't have to be perfect or perfectly happy. We just have to give each other grace and be gentle with ourselves.
3 >> Allow yourself to make mistakes and to rectify them, without the burden of beating yourself up about them. This one goes hand in hand with the thought above. I've made an incredible amount of mistakes since I had my first baby. The trick to moving forward in love and courage is to apologize for the mistake, determine what I'll do differently next time and move on. Dwelling on my mistakes always leads to guilt, and feeling guilty has never made me a better mother.
4 >> Daily rhythms are significantly less frustrating than daily schedules. I used to obsess, and I mean OBSESS, over V's sleep schedule when she was very little. I would get incredibly frustrated, and I'll admit, sometimes very angry, when she didn't go to sleep when I wanted her to. Over the first year of her life, I slowly learned to let go of the idea that she needed to be on a strict schedule and life has been calmer ever since. Sometimes V naps at 11am, sometimes at 1pm, it all depends on so many variables (when she wakes up, what we're doing that morning, and what might be happening that night to name a few). I will always try to make sure she naps, but it doesn't have to be at the same time every day. What freedom this has brought us!
5 >> This, too, shall pass! With V, I often felt like the stages she was going through would never end, especially if they were unpleasant. The gift of hindsight is marvelous. When Lucy starts a particularly difficult phase of development, I am confident that it will be over soon. This has given me a lot of peace.
6 >> Every baby is different. Your first might never sleep. Your second might sleep through the night at four weeks. Your first might want you to earn her smiles and coos. Your second might fill to bursting with joy just because you walked by. One isn't better than the other, they just are who they are. And amazingly, there's not a whole lot I can do about that. Taking advice from people, while helpful, can sometimes do harm because we fail to remember that so-and-so's baby is not going to be like my baby. I spent a lot of time wondering why V wasn't like my sister's son or my friend's daughter. Why couldn't she be easier in this way or that way? I still struggle with this. I have to stop fighting against her personality, stop trying to mold her into something more desirable to me. She is who God made her to be, and that is enough.
7 >> You don't have to be a martyr. Ask for help. Looking back, I wish I had asked for a lot more help.
8 >> Be open with others about how you're feeling at any given moment. I think my depression might have lifted a lot earlier if I had been more open with the people around me about how I was feeling. I would usually put on a front of the "happy mother in love with her baby" when I was in public. But at home and inside I was falling apart. This time around has been different. My husband and my mom have had a running dialogue of where I'm at (thank God for them and their willingness to listen!). Not everyone needs to know the details of my emotional state, of course, but no one can help you out if they don't know you're struggling. Vulnerability can be hard and scary, but it is necessary and the only way to build a community of friends who are there for you.
If you're a mother of two (or more!) what are some things that you've learned along the way that have made life easier?
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